Closure ..another fiction

i don't think this is love. i think that this is just another short crush that i'm having. it wont last that long. it would last maybe for 1-2 mths. maybe. lets hope so.

this is so not me. having a crush with one of the colleague. it so not professional of me.and it so absurd for me to have a crush with sumone who is few years younger than me.

but despite of that, the feelings started to grow, , without me noticing the rapidness and the intensity. suddenly, i started to see him everywhere i go, i smile every time i thinking of him. such a good feelings. yes, i let all of this happened without realizing the consequences.

well, this happiness had been short lived. bad things happened when we least expecting it. starting from a misunderstanding than we pour in some emotions and later more emotions came in and suddenly it became too much to handle for both of us. we stopped talking to each other. we stopped exchanging glance and smile. instead we end up with emotional smses. and i end up crying. i cried in the bedroom, i cried in the ladies, yeah..tears and tissues all the way. 

this had made me thinking. if this is just a crush. why it hurts soo much? why cant i stopped crying whenever i saw him?

i kept thinking and analyzing, and i still cant find any illogical possible reason.what i got is brain drain. i was tired , too tired and decided to give up.

so last night, i cried for the last time. i made a promise to myself. i convinced myself that he's just another crush. and finally i just let go . . it is the hardest part, but i felt so much relieved. indeed the best closure for this short lived love story of mine . 

-end-

chaotic

sejak dua tiga menjak nie, chaotic betul personal and working life aku. huru hara smp tahap personal dah tercampur dlm working life. and bile benda tu terjadi..the impact adelah sgt menyiksakan jiwa raga nie. 

mungkin Allah yg aturkan. mungkin Dia mahu aku belajar lebih byk ttg perihal hidup dan bagaimana mahu jadi pemimpin yg baik. kekadang, kite tak boleh jangka macamana jantung nie boleh tetibe berdegup luar biasa pantasnye bile berdepan dgn seseorg. walhal, dh lebih setahun kerja bersama dan ada unacceptable age gap plak tu. when things getting a bit serious, aku jadi sedar dgn yg ape yg tgh berlaku nie tak sepatutnye took place and dibiarkan berterusan. 

this had affected my objectivity. i had soften up a bit too much, cepat emo bile die tak follow arahan, and byk lagi la which all of this mmg sgt mempengaruhi completion of assignment. so, bile benda nie dah mula jadi out of control last week, aku pujuk diri sendri, to back off, to stop and to avoid which was the hardest thing to do.

rite now, things are not siding both of us. i was feeling hopeless.and with the backlogs to be cleared by him, he's seems like want to give up. nak pecah kepala memikirkan the best solutions so that leh win win. nevertheless, hopefully things will get better..amin~

emotional

when i'm feeling sad. i will try my best not to cry. i opt for finding sumone to talk to. for that effort, i had not been crying for long time, even when a client of mine which i admired suddenly passed away last sunday, i still managed to contain my tears. but little did i know that when i had not cried for sometimes (long time), i was going to end up crying non stop for more than 20 minutes today just because of someone had made me felt so frustrated and useless. trying to stop was hard, because when i tried to stop thinking about it, it seems like the tears refused to do so. i managed to stop it only after the replay of all what had he did and said had ended.

now that i had stopped crying i felt very much relieved, as if i lighten up the burden on my shoulder.

wayar tercabut

sejak dua tiga hari ni, aku rasa ade sesuatu yang tak kena dgn aku. maybe sbb aku baru2 nie aku ade bersms dgn mr.x (dan die tetibe jadi sgt luar biasa baiknya kat aku) mungkin juga sbb pada masa yang sama ade seseorg aka mr.Y tak pasal2 buat aku jadi tak tentu arah. Yang buat aku keliru adalah - selama nie, tak pernah, jadi tak tentu arah tiap kali jumpe Mr. Y! ke aku jadi tak tentu arah sbb mr.x? rasa macam ade wayar yg tercabut! nielah padahnya, sambil nyelam..minum air..dah jadi selemas-lemasnya..

yg tak patut dibuat tp nak jugak buat #1

bile tgh ade masalah yg berkaitan dgn 'feeling2' nie ..tak sepatutnye kite taburkan pasir lagi..dgn mendengar lagu2 cinta yg mellow..nnt tak pasal2 rase cam nak kuar airmata.. n terpaksa tipu org kate mata masuk habuk!

failure of doing the right thing . .

something happened today. the impact should be major. but it wasnt. i did think hard. why there was no major impact. is it because of only me thinking the negative of it? or is it because that's the way thing should be as if nothing had happened. 

i felt bad as there was nothing that i can do without jeopardizing my position. i felt sad because i couldn't stopped it. and I'm a bit pissed off because she did not retaliated and tried to prove that she's not what they're thinking.

but at the end, all what i did said to A is "you know that i will asked u to persevere n fight back, but at the same time it is totally up to you. i know that u had really made up your mind, n hopefully that was the best for both side, esp you". when the only thing that i wanted to say; "grow up. stop being a crybaby. this is nothing!"

anyway things had happened. damaged is permanent. nobody want to take the blame. but never mind, as i know who caused all of this and i believed that one day, it will haunt you back. but for now, laugh as much as you like.