Last week (and even till today) was a torturous. It had been raining almost everyday (I’m not blaming the rain. But having cloudy weather almost every evening was a bit depressing to me). I was having a reminiscent of me and Mr.X. This was totally out of nowhere. It was not triggered by any of his SMSes or phone calls (in fact I received none since the day I returned the thing. Thus, the fact that I was mentioning this, does this means that I hoped to receive any from him since the beginning?) Maybe I was bit depressed. This depression was due to my attempt to adapt with the new work. And at the same time I was a bit tense when thinking about the PTD Assessment program that I have to attend this coming December. I think this was a habit of me, as I was used to tell him and my fears, my feelings, my concerns. Though most of the time he would say something nice to comforts me, but there were times when he just listening to my grumbles and rants without saying nothing at all as he knew that I just want to borrow his ears. Now that things had taken an unfavorable turn, I was in dark. To who shall I expressed my fears, my feelings now. I just can’t find the answer. I just had the memories.
However, last week was different. I was having the best fight ever. My heart was rebelling. Provoking me to sms him or call him. My pride was totally against the idea of giving in. The pride views my attempt as a sign of desperation. I was clueless. Alhamdulillah, I managed to contain myself from contacting him.
I told my bff about this. She was telling me that, I was still having the symptoms. She even suggested that I should meet him and resolve everything. Eventually, I’m not sure, what are we trying to resolve? Our un-named relationship? Our feelings? We could seat face to face. Talking about what’s in the past. Then? Discussing about the future? The future without “us” or with “us”.
As much as I want to resolve this, I am pretty sure of one thing. One of us will hurt another intentionally. Why would I open up myself for another cut, when I’m still in healing process? I am also very2 certain that though whatever the outcome of this so called meeting, this “L” feelings will keeps on linger for quite some time.
p/s: what a decision to make. I can do this! I must do this.