Wednesday, November 18, 2009

terribly confused . .

Last week (and even till today) was a torturous. It had been raining almost everyday (I’m not blaming the rain. But having cloudy weather almost every evening was a bit depressing to me). I was having a reminiscent of me and Mr.X. This was totally out of nowhere. It was not triggered by any of his SMSes or phone calls (in fact I received none since the day I returned the thing. Thus, the fact that I was mentioning this, does this means that I hoped to receive any from him since the beginning?) Maybe I was bit depressed. This depression was due to my attempt to adapt with the new work. And at the same time I was a bit tense when thinking about the PTD Assessment program that I have to attend this coming December. I think this was a habit of me, as I was used to tell him and my fears, my feelings, my concerns. Though most of the time he would say something nice to comforts me, but there were times when he just listening to my grumbles and rants without saying nothing at all as he knew that I just want to borrow his ears. Now that things had taken an unfavorable turn, I was in dark. To who shall I expressed my fears, my feelings now. I just can’t find the answer. I just had the memories.

However, last week was different. I was having the best fight ever. My heart was rebelling. Provoking me to sms him or call him. My pride was totally against the idea of giving in. The pride views my attempt as a sign of desperation. I was clueless. Alhamdulillah, I managed to contain myself from contacting him.

I told my bff about this. She was telling me that, I was still having the symptoms. She even suggested that I should meet him and resolve everything. Eventually, I’m not sure, what are we trying to resolve? Our un-named relationship? Our feelings? We could seat face to face. Talking about what’s in the past. Then? Discussing about the future? The future without “us” or with “us”.

As much as I want to resolve this, I am pretty sure of one thing. One of us will hurt another intentionally. Why would I open up myself for another cut, when I’m still in healing process? I am also very2 certain that though whatever the outcome of this so called meeting, this “L” feelings will keeps on linger for quite some time.

p/s: what a decision to make. I can do this! I must do this.

9 comments:

hafizshinchan said...

hmm...PTD Assessment? Huhu buleh g keja oversea la

rina said...

if u are still tertanye2 ape yg jadi sebenarnye between the 2 of u..like clearing the air..come clean.
takyah la discuss about the future, ape pon futurenye??
tapi tu sume depends kalau ko perlukan jawapan2 pd soalan2 hati ko yg dulu la..kalau tak perlu, just forget about it. u are doing well pon skang ni..
org mcm aku mmg memerlukan jwpn, that y even menda dah berakhir or tak kesampaian..aku akan tanye kat mana silap aku pd org yg terlibat, so that aku tak terfikir2 n can let it go for good.

hafizshinchan said...

Babe.
Pertama sekali, kau dan si dia ni pernah officially declare sebagai couple, or tak pernah. ke main paham-paham dalam hati je?

Kedua, sebenarnya kau konpius sebab putus tanpa penjelasan, ke camna.

Ahaha, aku bukan nak menyebuk, tapi aku rasa quote kat bawah ni cam best je;

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

so love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason.

If you get a chance, take it.

If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it

naTea said...

rina: aku rase aku perlukan disclosure..so that aku tadek perasaan menyesal sbb tatau ape yg silap sbnrnye.. sbb tu aku sgt tgh konsider cadangan ko tu.. maybe it will help me to let go..thanx babe!

naTea said...

hafiz:
1. ptd assessment tu 2nd level of job interview..still long way to go..n yeah..main purpose nak jd PTD sbb nak jalan2 ke luar negara FOC..mane tau ade suatu hr nnt ko leh kirim LV kat aku tiap2 minggu..utk sume aweks ko? :P

2.kisah kitorg nie pelik. dia stat ske kat aku mase kat utp dulu. die cam dah declarelaa feeling die. aku cam biasa je. sbb tadek feeling lg kat die. then kuar utp. stat keja baru ade timbul. so, kitorg tak penah officially declare as couple. and aku pun tak tau same ade kitorg nie main paham2 dlm hati je.

Secondly, aku yg memutuskan utk dah tadek pape ngan die. Sbbnye die dah byk kali buat janji tp tak ditunaikan. Maybe sbb die terlalu sibuk dgn keja die yg asik kena pg oversea dan offshore. Dan aku rase cam tadek kesudahan je kitorg nie plus aku rase maybe perasaan die kat aku dah tak macam dulu.

Thanx for your concern, hafiz. Aku rase quote ko tu ade rationalnye. Hopefully, I’ll manage to get this done asap. So that boleh moves on.

naTea said...
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hafizshinchan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hafizshinchan said...

Babe...

Move on. Bigger catch is waiting. So many anak ikans are out there.

Next. Next...heee.

naTea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.